from megren, 9 treeturn 1017

To Lanisen in Lantern Waste, from Dame Megren at Cair Paravel

Dear Lanisen.

I wish that you felt comfortable having a conversation with me in person. I’m sorry that I’ve made it so you don’t. [crossed out — “I wish” followed by some more cross-outs that are unreadable.] It hurt me that you felt the best way to handle our conflicts was to end the conversation, and it hurt me even more that you chose to leave when you did, and would have left without saying goodbye if you could have. A letter is not the same.

[Another line crossed out.]

I do not mean to ask you to return now that you’ve gone, or to make you feel bad about doing a good thing, which I am sure you are doing. But I don’t want to lose you only because we haven’t fallen in rhythm the way we used to, and I think that means I have to tell you how I feel. I’m sorry. It would be easier to push it away, and I wish that I thought that were the right choice.

I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I confused you, and I’m sorry if I misled you. I wish that we could talk like we used to talk. I know it’s not the same when the conflict is between us and not on the outside. But I wish it anyway.

I hope you are well. I’m glad to hear that Tristran is, and that your mentor is kind. I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Please continue to write if you like, but please do not ask me to write if you don’t want to hear these things from me. I don’t like to write them, but pretending feels worse.

I love you. I wish you were here. I told Haft and he was angry with me and with Sir Darrin, and I wish there was somebody not in it to tell me it won’t be this way forever. I feel tired and alone, except for Sir Darrin, which makes me feel guilty and alone. I hope Jana is treating you well, and Myrd also. I miss you.



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